


How Junkrat Stole the Christmas Event

by HamandChiise



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Dr. Suess is rolling in his grave, Gen, I'm so sorry for this, It's Not Good, it's just a meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 21:23:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8683852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamandChiise/pseuds/HamandChiise
Summary: I... there's really not a good explanation for this. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.





	

How The Junkrat Stole Christmas  
by Dr. HamandChiise

 

Every Blue Down in Blueville Liked Christmas events a lot...  
But the Junkrat, Who lived just north of Blueville, Did NOT!  
The Rat hated Christmas! The whole Holiday season!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.  
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.  
It could be, perhaps, his robot limbs were too tight.  
But I think that the most likely reason of all,  
May have been that his heart was shriveled up from the fall(out).

Whatever the reason, His heart or the screws,  
He stood there on Event Eve, hating the Blues,  
Staring down from his hideout, the cold aching his joints,  
At the six different heroes dancing below on their point.  
For he knew every Blue down in Blueville did gloat,  
In their holiday skins and cheery winter emotes.

"And they're sprays their sprays!" he snarled with a sneer,  
"Tomorrow it starts! It's practically here!"  
Then he growled, with his metal fingers nervously drumming,  
"I MUST find some way to stop the event from coming!"  
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Blue Healers and Tanks,  
Would wake bright and early, and empty their banks!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!  
Noise! Noise! Noise!  
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!  
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Blues, young and old, would sit down to a match.  
And they'd play! And they'd win! And they'd WIN!  
WIN! WIN! WIN!!   
They would win on every map before he could even begin!  
Which was something that just made the Junker’s head spin!

And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!  
Every Blue down in Blueville, the tall and the small,  
Would sit close together, with one of them streaming.  
They'd use their emotes, and in the chat they’d be memeing!  
They'd meme! And they'd meme! And they'd MEME!  
MEME! MEME! MEME!

And the more the Rat thought of every Overwatch Meme,  
The more the Rat thought, "I must kill that whole team!”  
"Why, for nearly a year I've put up with it now!"  
"I MUST stop this event from coming! But HOW?"  
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!  
JUNKRAT GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Junkrat laughed in his throat.  
And he bought the character-wide Santy Claus hat with the coat.  
And he chuckled, and clucked, "Just gotta get me a song,"  
"With this coat and this hat, I look like I belong!"  
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Rat looked around.  
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
Did that stop the young Junker? No! The Rat simply said,  
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his friend, Hog. Then he took some red thread,  
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.  
(Hog let it happen, he didn’t resist,  
Though he did have the urge to deck Rat with his fist.)  
THEN Rat loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,  
Then with them he went into the sidecar to relax.  
Then the Rat said, "Giddap!" And the bike thundered down,  
Toward the spawn where the Blues were skirmishing in town.

All the objectives were dark. No noise filled the air.  
All the Blues were all memeing sweet memes without care.  
When he came to the first little point on the square.  
"This is stop number one," the old Junky Claus hissed,  
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.  
Then he slid down the chimney. He wasn’t too fat.  
But, if Santa could do it, then so could Junkrat.

He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.  
Where the little Blue sprays all sprayed in a row.  
"These sprays," he leered, "are the first things to go!"  
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile like a fox,  
Around the whole room, after each holiday lootbox!  
Emotes! Player logos! Skins purple and blue!  
Currency! Poses! Victory poses too!  
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Rat, very nimbly,  
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!  
Then he slunk to the online store. He took all the swag!  
From Tracer to Reaper, shoved it all into his bag!  
He cleaned out that merch store in such a huge rush.  
Why, that Rat even took every Ganymede plush!

Then he stuffed all the swag up the chimney to Road.  
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will bomb the Payload!"  
And the Grinch grabbed his mines, and he started to throw,  
When he heard the small sound of footsteps in the snow.  
He turned around fast, and a girl was in the way!  
Well not a girl, a grown woman, and her name was Mei.  
The Junker had been caught by this tiny ice queen,  
At the end of her gun sparkled a glistening sheen.

She stared at the Junker and said, "You big Bully, why,”  
"Why did you put your spray over mine- WHY?"  
But, you know, that old Junkrat was so smart and so slick,  
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!  
"Why, my sweet icicle," the fake Memer Claus blamed,  
"As you see I main Junkrat, and Junkrat can’t aim-"  
"I meant to put it beside yours, so that’s what I’ll do."  
"You know it doesn’t matter I’m red and you’re blue."  
And his fib fooled the girl. Then he looked at his spray,  
And he stepped to the right and he moved it away.  
And when the icy Mei moved on to meme like before,  
HE went to her spray and covered it once more!

Then the last thing he took was the biggest healthpack!  
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the big hack.  
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.  
And the one speck of cheer That he left in the base,  
Was the other five sprays that he couldn’t replace.  
Then He did the same thing To the other skirmish matches  
Leaving only five sprays on the helicarrier’s hatches!

 

It was quarter past dawn... All the Blues, still a-bed,  
All the Blues, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,  
Packed it up with their boxes! The swag! All the cash!  
The loot and the trappings and memes, all that trash!  
Three thousand feet up! Up to the cliff on Gibraltar,  
He rode with his load to the tiptop, didn’t falter!  
"Fuck you to the Blues!" he was maniacally humming.  
"They're finding out now that no Event is coming!"  
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"  
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,  
Then the Blues down in Blueville will all cry BooHoo!"  
"That's a noise," grinned the Rat, "That I simply MUST hear!"  
So he paused. And Junkrat put his hand to his better ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the base.  
Faintly south of his face, then all over the place.  
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!  
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!  
He stared down at Blueville! Junkrat popped his eyes!  
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blue down in Blueville, the tall and the small,  
Was memeing! Without any swag left at all!  
He HADN'T stopped the holiday event from coming! IT CAME!  
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Junkrat, with one foot trembling from the blow,  
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"  
"It came without toys! It came without swag!"  
"It came without packages, lootboxes or bags!"  
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Junker thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe Events," he thought, "don't come from the store."  
"Maybe Events...perhaps...mean a little bit more!"  
And what happened then? Well...in Blueville they say,  
That the Junker grew merry and began memeing away!  
And the minute his head didn't feel quite so bad,  
He turned and threw loot boxes straight at a Dad,  
And at Lucio too! And Symmetra and Mei!  
And that’s how Junkrat, in the flesh, saved the day!


End file.
